Author Topic: Things Only A Republican Can Believe  (Read 56973 times)

Psidefect

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Things Only A Republican Can Believe
« on: September 05, 2009, 05:57:27 PM »
Saw this over on Reddit. It's a redo of an old viral email called Things Only A Republican Can Believe.

Clearly it's political humor, so I hope no one takes it too seriously, but there are a couple I liked (some are totally stupid). Some of the comments are pretty good too (usually the case over there).

Full Disclosure: I am a registered Republican. ...Though my last three votes for POTUS were Nader (shutup!), Kerry and Obama, (sorry, :flipper:) so take this list with whatever seasonings you deem appropriate.

  • Lying about a blowjob is an impeachable offense -- lying about a war is no big deal, really. (heh, I was actually pretty pissed about the lying-to-a-grand-jury thing, but as far as I'm concerned, this one plays)
  • Investigating a shady land deal involving the First Lady is a matter of National Identity -- investigating the use of torture at the direction of the Executive Branch is a partisan witch hunt.
  • Sitting two rows in front of Jane Fonda in a 1970 anti-war rally is an OUTRAGE! Shaking Saddam's hand in 1983...meh, not so much.
  • Socialism, Marxism, Communism and Fascism are all interchangeable words that mean pretty much the same thing.
  • Iran is a mortal threat to our nation and anyone who attempts to talk to them is traitorous scum -- selling weapons to Iran and then funneling the money to start wars in South America is clearly in our National interest.
  • The two guys at the center of the Watergate and Iran-Contra scandals are trustworthy voices in discussions of current national policy and should be taken at face-value.
“You've got a lot to learn about screwing up your life, pal.” - mrcookieface
“How sad for a marriage to fail because it's not compatible with Windows 31!  But it'll happen.” - random axe
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“Dude. That will get you out of TWO family holidaycausts.” - Stoatse
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feffer

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Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2009, 06:28:54 PM »
    • Socialism, Marxism, Communism and Fascism are all interchangeable words that mean pretty much the same thing.

    Why, I just heard this yesterday!  From a guy I thought was wrong, but intelligent.
    Cause you're so beautiful
    Like a tree
    Or a high-class prostitute
    You're so beautiful
    Mmm, you could be a part-time model
    But you'd probably have to keep your normal job

    whidB

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #2 on: September 05, 2009, 06:50:49 PM »
    Quote from: defecto
    Full Disclosure: I am a registered Republican. ...Though my last three votes for POTUS were Nader (shutup!), Kerry and Obama,

     :brainwaves:

    Though this year I finally made a little peace w/my "Registered Dem" status. I'll play Democrat for awhile... :alien:

    TehPnuk

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #3 on: September 05, 2009, 06:51:05 PM »
    I also enjoy that when 99% of Republicans are talking about Atheism, Ethical Humanism, Agnosticism, and so on they're actually talking about Nihilism, something that's radically different.

    TehPnuk

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #4 on: September 05, 2009, 06:52:20 PM »
    Quote from: defecto
    Though my last three votes for POTUS were Nader (shutup!), Kerry and Obama,

     :brainwaves:

    Though this year I finally made a little peace w/my "Registered Dem" status. I'll play Democrat for awhile... :alien:

    In Washington you can only participate in the caucus of the party you're registered for. If I stuck to my roots as an independent, I wouldn't get a voice before the election. So I register as a Democrat. The idea of registering as a Republican makes me feel 70 shades of dirty.

    whidB

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #5 on: September 05, 2009, 06:57:07 PM »
    I remember about 10 years ago Dan Savage made a go at joining the Republican Party as kind of joke, but since it was so limp back then he also saw the move as a chance to go in there and revitalize it.

    Well, I thought it was funny, anyway. The antics were daringly refreshing. Wish I'd saved the article, though I suppose it could be online somewhere...

    Nah, I felt embarrassed being associated with the Dems, even though I've voted for them damn near every Presidential/Senatoral/Rep elections.

    They're looking up this year, we'll see if they cave on the public option. I'm going to send e-mails this weekend, everybody should.

    :soapbox:

    random axe

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #6 on: September 06, 2009, 11:44:27 AM »
    The game theory people used to always say that the best primary strategy was to register for the party you hate and then support the most vicious, psycho primary candidate.  The theory was that this candidate would inevitably be too far 'out there' to win an election and would make the party look bad to centrists and moderates and the media.

    Alas, the GOP seems to take those candidates and run with them.  I mean, c'mon, Sarah Palin?  And I don't care how much you hated Bob Dole, don't tell me you didn't miss him the moment Bush Jr turned in decent polling numbers in 1999 and you realized that maybe, just somehow, he actually could get elected.

    Not that he did, but you know what I mean.

    Encino Man

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #7 on: September 06, 2009, 01:33:36 PM »

    Dr. Leonard HmofCoy

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #8 on: September 06, 2009, 03:14:16 PM »
    I was gonna say science, but :hoss: was striving for teh funnay and by golly I am not that these days.
    "Parasitic wasps laying eggs in other insects is a better love story than Twilight." - :bitzero:
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    random axe

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #9 on: September 06, 2009, 03:43:37 PM »
    I actually, rather bizarrely, just got an old copy of some right-wing magazine called Town Hall (I think) in my mailbox yesterday.  Right address, but the person on the label has long since moved elsewhere.  I guess it got lost in the mail until now.

    I flipped through it idly and saw a column that was something like What Liberals Believe -- and it was astonishingly retarded.  I mean, not even clever.  Just deeply weakass propaganda for people who will believe anything.  Maybe it was trying to be funny?

    I'll have to bring the thing in to type out some samples.  Just bizarre BS.

    Psidefect

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #10 on: September 06, 2009, 03:48:31 PM »
    I was gonna say science, but :hoss: was striving for teh funnay and by golly I am not that these days.

    Heh, I thought the science quip was funny.

    But you're right. This was all meant in jest, so I hope I haven't offended anyone.
    “You've got a lot to learn about screwing up your life, pal.” - mrcookieface
    “How sad for a marriage to fail because it's not compatible with Windows 31!  But it'll happen.” - random axe
    “Not my problem if they don't know how to make magic smoke out of it.” - Stormy
    “Dude. That will get you out of TWO family holidaycausts.” - Stoatse
    "It is my role in this drama to misunderstand things at top volume." - Hmof

    Tripper

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #11 on: September 07, 2009, 07:59:57 AM »
    Republicans here in Dekalb County Georgia (Cynthia "Jihad" McKinney) mostly register Democrat because no Republican stands a snowball's chance in hell of ever getting elected and they want some sort of say as to who represents them.

    Naturally, McKinney (and her father, who is batshit crazy) sees this as being racist.  The idea of the people she would represent having a voice in *who* does that doesn't enter her mind, just that "the crackers" are out to get her.  Well, a lot of albino and over-melanined crackers decided that she wasn't doing the job last election and tossed her out.  Again.  Makes me wonder where they go when she does manage to get elected.  Again.

    mo

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #12 on: September 07, 2009, 09:24:07 AM »
    I thought she moved to California and joined the Green party...?
    It's symbolic of our struggle against reality.

    random axe

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #13 on: September 07, 2009, 12:34:13 PM »
    Oh, hell, if you want stories of crazy ethnic-minority Democrat politicians, just go to the Free Press website and read some shit about the Detroit city council.

    As if Detroit didn't have enough problems.

    Thing is, if you're perceived as representing an aggrieved minority (ethnic or otherwise), your other qualities may not matter much, and elections often go to the people who are most focused on winning them.  Political office is about how good you are at getting elected, after all, not how good you are at serving the office.  Crazy people are often quite focused, and so we get a lot of crazy politicians, all over the spectrum.

    This is the same reason you can't buy a good toaster in this country.

    Dr. Leonard HmofCoy

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    Re: Things Only A Republican Can Believe
    « Reply #14 on: September 07, 2009, 07:26:42 PM »
    I don't know. Bicyclists are aggrieved minorities, and not even freaks care enough about them in elected bodies
    "Parasitic wasps laying eggs in other insects is a better love story than Twilight." - :bitzero:
    "Anyhow, it was the best sentient food movie since Killer Tomatoes Eat France." - :flipper:
    "lee marvin in drag is no way to spread the gospel, son." - TFJ
    "It failed. My enemies have been purged." - Sidious
    "It's not like there was ever a time I didn't think Rudy Giuliani was a smug gibbering imbecile." - random axe
    "*drags taint* Oh cool, I didn't know you could do that." - mo.d